A blur impulse of creation

Having worked for several years in a giant tech company, I gradually get bored with the endless working tasks. After realizing it's harder and harder for me to find the meaning of work, I noticed that there is a spark of impulse to create something of my own growing in my mind. Though I didn't know what exact to create, I just wanted to create. By accident, after I watched an interview for a game developer who was original a video content creator about games, I felt like a bolt from the blue, which made my blur impulse of creation become clear.

Brief introduction of the interview

The interview is basically about a branch of video content creators focus on games decided to create their own games, haven't achieved secular success yet. Why they made this decision and what makes them stick to this decision. If you are interested, you can check this video on youtube. And the answer from wanglaoju, one of the interviewees, impressed me deeply. I want to share some points that resonated with me.

Self disintegration

"Perhaps in a few months, I fell into a serious psychological state of self-existence crisis, which is always asking who I am. You feel that the whole self is disintegrating, you don't know what to do, just continue to do this video content creator job well? Or find something in life to distract yourself? You can't find it, you can't find any way to maintain your self-existence, that kind of spiritual crisis tortured me for a long time. What am I going to pursue next? If I don't do something, I will be trapped in a boring cage, and that's what I feel is not free. I think I have a kind of original desire, no matter what it is, I want to create something by myself. I have played so many games, so I will make games."

This feeling of self-existence crisis is something I have experienced before and now. Although it didn't reach the degree of torture, I know that this feeling is becoming stronger and stronger during my work at the company. I also tried to achieve a higher position and get promoted, and I did it. But I found that it didn't relieve me from the crisis. I realized that I need to find something that I am passionate about, that I can create, that I can devote myself to.

Creation Makes you a child again

"There is a idiom in chinese, at thirty, I planted my feet upon the ground. I didn't understand it before, but one day you will suddenly find that there is a new self born in your heart, this feeling is what I really feel from making games to the present stage. This feeling is that you were a child before, you learned words, learned to eat, learned to drink, and when you learned everything, you began to reap the experience of the world. And when you summarized all the information, you found that the time to come is a kind of inertia and instinct to live. I go to work day after day, I go off work day after day, I eat day after day, I may play games happily sometimes, but that's it. However, when you start to bear fruit, when you feel that you have touched a new threshold, when the fruit is about to fall to the ground, you feel that this is the real me, I am creating something again, I am starting to learn new things again. After this mountain, there are higher, more, farther scenery, this is the real feeling of being thirty, a new self is born, I start to learn like a child, there are new things every day."

As I am about to step into my thirties, I was worried about the future. But after watching this interview, I realized that I don't need to worry about the arrival of thirty. In fact, I don't need to worry about the arrival of any age. As long as I keep creation, keep learning like a child, the world in my eyes is no different from the world in a child's

Creation is the ultimate destination of spiritual freedom

"I pursue a kind of spiritual freedom, and creation is the ultimate destination of spiritual freedom."

For me, it definitely is. After resigning from the company, I started to create something of my own. including this blog site. Though sometimes it's busy as working in a company, sometimes even busier, I never feel exhausted. I feel happy and free.

At the same time, creation is also a kind of self-expression for me. Through the projects I create, I express my dissatisfaction with certain processes in the world, my love for certain things, and my hope for a better world.

Learn for creation, not for qualification

Before I went to university, I had always received exam-oriented education. Although I achieved good results in this environment, I always felt resistant to this way of education. Until I went to university, I decided not to study for grades anymore, but to improve my programming skills, which allowed me to participate in real engineering projects. These skills eventually helped me find a job even if I failed the postgraduate entrance exam. After finishing work and before going back to university, I felt that my three years of work experience had already improved my programming skills to a certain level. Although there is still much room for improvement, I felt that I should focus more on learning how to create. So before going back to campus, I set a credo for myself: learn for creation, not for qualification.

At last

Wang has found the direction of creation he loves, but I am still looking for mine and keep trying different directions. But I believe that one day I will find it as long as I continue to learn for creation, not for qualification.